Knocked Up By Another Man....

Shadows

2012-01-24T22:26:00.001-09:00

I came into our dining room today to find my little man playing with his shadow on the wall.

Sigh.

My heart melted.

And then I scampered over to grab my camera to capture the moment for daddy.

xoxo

So proud

2012-01-19T22:08:00.002-09:00

My little man is so proud of himself since he was able to climb on the couch by himself.

Love him!

xoxo

I promise I'll write a real post soon!

The things people say...

2012-01-11T21:21:00.001-09:00

Acquaintance: E is such a cutie!

Me: Thanks!

Acquaintance: I think he looks just like his daddy.

Me: Really? You don't think he looks like me?

Acquaintance: Nope.

Bahawhahaha!

Shocker!

xoxo

Classic.

2012-01-08T21:48:00.001-09:00

There are so many times during each and every day that I just revel in the moments I have with little E. This is one of those moments that just charms my heart... Does it get any better?

xoxo

Kisses & Food Sharing

2012-01-06T23:07:00.001-09:00

This just makes my heart melt. I love these two guys.

xoxo

Snow Apparel

2012-01-05T23:05:00.000-09:00

Not being a native to the land of snow and ice, I have learned a lot over the last year about cold weather gear. This year, finding snow apparel for E was kind of like a treasure hunt. Besides hunting down a Hanna Andersson snowsuit on ebay, my favorite purchase was these boots from Stonz...

How cute is that little alligator? :)

Right now Little E wears these over his regular shoes and socks. The water-resistant material keeps his feet dry and the fleece lining give his feet a little extra warmth besides his regular shoes. I love this because he can wear his flexible Stride-Rite shoes underneath which makes it much easier for him to walk compared to other more clunky boots. Essentially the two toggle straps around the ankle and at the top of the bootie keep them on. This makes it easy for me to slip them on and cinch them before E can wiggle away. heehee.

Although I originally purchased an XXS set of fluffy gloves from Costco, I'm so in love with the booties from Stonz that I'm going to buy these Mittz.

I haven't decided if I'm going to buy the baby version without a thumb or not. We'll see...but I think the wide opening is going to make it a breeze to put them on (crossing fingers).

What kind of fun winter stuff have you found?

xoxo

My personal puffball.

2012-01-04T22:53:00.001-09:00

xoxo

One Resolution Down

2012-01-03T20:00:00.003-09:00

I'm very proud to say that we are only three days into the New Year, and I have already checked off my first New Year's resolution! Whoot! Go me!

If you remember, I've had some mixed experiences with the MOPS group that I joined this past fall. Much of the turmoil I have felt in joining the group has come from my increasing sensitivity regarding fertile women's incessant and unknowingly obnoxious comments. In conjunction with this, my smaller (assigned) group felt just a little flat in chemistry. After sticking it out through the first semester, I decided last month that I should quit. It seems like I felt more miserable more often than happy after each meeting. Who wants to do that? Ehh, not me!

xoxo

Roses

2012-01-02T21:46:00.000-09:00

For me, New Year's Day was pretty much synonymous with the craziness that surrounds the Rose Parade. Crowds of campers lining the street throwing tomatoes and tortillas at the cars dragging Colorado Blvd on New Year's Eve. The floats lining up in the twilight of the morning. The bands and horses lining up. Fun!

Growing up, I was always serving as a volunteer selling everything--programs, souvenirs, film, food--whatever was up on the agenda that year. Doing that kind of thing always gives you a totally different perspective from the beautiful magic you see on television! One of my first memories of the parade is helping with the hot chocolate on a cold morning before I got to escape in the wee hours of the morning to wander down Colorado Ave to see the floats as they lined up. Another first memory was during the float production in 1982 when I saw them working on this float:

:D At six, I was pretty impressed with Kermit and Miss Piggy. I'm pretty sure they let me get my hands on some flowers or seeds. I just remember the bustling atmosphere in the warehouse filled with floats--AWESOME!

So today when we woke up, I flipped on the parade. E instantly stopped in his tracks and stared at the band that was playing. He lovvved the parade! I can't wait to take him one day. :D

xoxo

January 1

2012-01-01T22:12:00.000-09:00

Waking up on the first of January is just a wonderful feeling. I always feel refreshed like there is something new and different about me that wasn't present the night before. It's like walking out of the salon after a new haircut feeling sassy and cute. Like the endless amounts of white snow that decorate my world up here in Alaska, the potential within this year of life lays shining out in front of me.

One of the most amazing reflections for me personally is looking back at where I was over the past few January 1sts...

2008 - Stationed at Ft Polk, Louisiana...one dog...TTC naturally in those innocent days

After Christmas visit to Nachitoches, LA

2009 - Still in Louisiana...two dogs, husband deployed...TTC via IUIs with injectables

Dog #2 my sweet Pepper

Pepper & Sweetpea having fun while mommy is gone!

2010 - Moved to Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri...one dog...TTC status paused after two dismal IVFs and waiting for DE-IVF cycle at the end of January.

2011 - Stationed in Alaska...one dog, one adorable, love-of-my life 3-month old son...hammered by mastitis & still getting back in shape after massive pregnancy bed rest

2012 - Still living in Alaska...one dog, one 15 month old son (gulp)...given up on TTC myself

I feel incredibly lucky to have my husband, son, family and friends. It's a good life. Bring on the New Year!!!

xoxo

One Born Every Minute

2011-12-27T23:06:00.001-09:00

When I look at magazines, I want things. Things like clothes, shoes, and makeup jump off the page and tell me I'll be prettier and happier if I only had them. The models make me feel like my curvy body is lacking. So, I learned in high school to just stop reading the glossy mags so that I didn't get caught up in negative thoughts. After infertility, baby shows became my new magazines.

While I never particularly cared for the hundreds of baby shows pre-baby ~~making~~ attempting years, I avoided them like the plague when I started infertility treatments. BUT NOW....after having my little love-bug, I find myself slyly drawn to them when I can't find a good movie or show to watch.

Sometimes, its the multiples shows that draw me. Of course, then I want to smack the parents because their shining positive attitudes that nothing will go wrong reeks to me of smugness. I'm sure it's not, but they just haven't had their innocence about conceiving a child shattered. Of course there's nothing wrong with having a multiple--I just thank god that I didn't have a set because my cervix never could have taken that. That makes me a little jealous too.

Other times, it's the I didn't know I was pregnant type of show. Really. Do I even need to comment on this?

Tonight I hit the show "One Born Every Minute." I watched some tonsils as a mom screamed her lungs out. Then I gaped at a quirky woman who shaved her facial area before her kiddo was born. On television! Finally, a couple who had several miscarriages safely delivered a baby girl. Sigh. There were several moments of jealousy for me like when the baby was placed directly on the mom's chest instead of being whisked away to be examined by a NICU team. But most of all...

I just want to be the one to have another minute.

xoxo

Be merry.

2011-12-23T21:27:00.003-09:00

Today I read this post of Michelle's over at My Life After Loss. It brought to life all of the lovely Christmas traditions and experiences that I can't wait to have with E.

Then I read a few blogs of people who are still waiting for their cherub faced baby like the one I get to put asleep every night.

And it all goes back to how I feel damn lucky to have my husband and son sleeping in their warm rooms on this very snowy night.

Be merry.

xoxo

Christmas Cheer

2011-12-21T20:36:00.001-09:00

It seems like this year I have not been feeling the Christmas cheer. I'm not unhappy about it. I just don't seem to feel the nice warm glow that I usually get from this time of year. After {much} consideration, I have decided this unusual lack of cheer has come from several factors:

1) moving my tree from the family room where we normally hang out to the dining room which you can see from outside our house.

2) not getting xmas PJs for E until this week.

3) working too much on the end of semester homework rush/internship hours

4) not enough xmas music - seriously!

Despite these factors, today I finally felt a little warmth when I created this:

While my *Golden* turkey shirt was too cute, it was also way too expensive for my SAHM sensibility. So instead, I gave it a whirl and tried it myself. You can see that I'm not a professional by any means, but I did manage to get everything sewn on and the bells securely fastened (omg choking hazard!).

E looved the shirt when I gave it a jingle. It was that smile that finally gave me the Christmas cheer. It also helped that I put him in some cute little holiday PJs. He was not as excited about those.

Heehee.

xoxo

My new iphone cover...

2011-12-20T21:10:00.000-09:00

Since I am a gadget junky, it's not a total surprise that my son's favorite toy is my iphone. Or should I say, his favorite toy is...granny's iphone, or daddy's iphone, or pretty much anything that has a power button which he can snag without me looking! So while I may tolerate him eating puffs off the floor and letting the dog lick his sippy cup, I don't really appreciate him ingesting massive amounts of phone germs or putting his slobber all over my favorite accessory. Sooooooo, I found this...

Fisher-Price Laugh & Learn Apptivity Case

It is essentially a ~~lock box~~ kid proof cover disguised as a toy! I unpacked it today and we are both very very happy with my purchase. Is it bad that after a few hours with it, I now want to get my one-year-old his own Ipod Touch to put inside this?

What
am
I
thinking?
#CRAZY MOM

xoxo

Usurped

2011-12-19T22:41:00.002-09:00

Photo from Here

I knew this day would come.

I thought I would be fine with it.

But really, it kind of hurt my feelings.

In the first six weeks of life, little E would routinely settle down for the magic wielding wonder-dad. After that, he has been all about mama. Anytime he needed comfort or snuggles, he would want me. Me. Me. Me. While I loooved it, I occasionally wondered how it would be to have a moment to cook dinner without twenty pounds on my hip. I felt a little guilty.

When the moment finally came, it totally caught me by surprise. However, I was glad it was Granny who temporarily usurped my position. Little E squirmed out of my arms, stumbled over to her and threw his arms up. That afternoon, she was the only one he wanted.

Sigh. My baby is growing up.

xoxo

little E

2011-12-07T21:28:00.001-09:00

Little E has just turned up the volume on his personality lately. The things this kiddo does! He grooves to music, bending his knees and starting to lift up his feet. He's started taking his toys and chucking them over the fence of the play area. What's even better is that it's not just small things that he tosses. The other day he tried lifting up his bumbo. Speaking of his bumbo, it has returned to the regular playing lineup. Check it out!

xoxo

Trash Day

2011-12-07T21:24:00.001-09:00

Trash Day in Alaska.
<3 it.

xoxo

Sleds...

2011-12-03T21:14:00.001-09:00

Besides my block set that I'm making for little for xmas, I really want to buy ME US him one of these sleds....so I can get OUTSIDE with little E.

Eurobaby Snow Baby Sled $179

Same as above sled with handle extended

Eurosled Snow Tiger $139.99
can take toddler seat and handle off as needed to become regular sled (2 person)

Infant Toboggan $28.99
most affordable option

We bundled him up in his snowsuit and boots for the first time last weekend which was just hilarious. He loved it! I'm trying to figure out things to get me outside and moving. I figure that pushing or pulling him in a sled or toboggan would make both of us happy. What do you think? Any experience sledding/tobogganing with a one year old?

xoxo

2011-12-02T19:39:00.001-09:00

If you need a laugh, you should check out the "25 Funniest Autocorrects of DYAC's First Year." It's raunchy, but I was totally cracking up.

xoxo

Puppy dog kisses

2011-11-30T22:02:00.001-09:00

The video quality might suck, but you can't dispute the fact that this is darn cute.

The key thing we are looking at here is that while he's bending down towards the dog, he's kissing her!

Kisses have been a big deal to little E over the last two weeks. His first kisses started with a big open mouth (kind of like a fish). He then progressed to presenting his binky sucking mouth to me. Next came putting his hand to his mouth like he was blowing a kiss. Finally he has started leaning in with a closed mouth and sometimes just presents his forehead. Now he's kissing Sweeptea!

I <3 it. Love it.

xoxo

Toddler Proof Tree

2011-11-29T21:31:00.001-09:00

Step 1: Buy some two dollar stuffed ornaments from Target.
Place them on the bottom of the tree.

Step 2: Elevate your tree by placing it on a table!
Thanks for the idea Auntie D!

Step 3: Get some holiday cheer! :)

Step 4: Knock on wood.

xoxo

So tired.

2011-11-28T20:47:00.001-09:00

I wish I was doing this.

xoxo

Elf

2011-11-27T22:06:00.001-09:00

I know the Elf on the Shelf is a great little tradition to start but damn, does the elf have to be so creepy looking?

xoxo

PS. Any suggestions on a lightweight or umbrella stroller?

School

2011-11-26T20:39:00.001-09:00

On Monday, I start a three week stint working off my internship hours so that I can become a principal. I'm not really looking forward to it since 1) I have to leave little E and 2) have a crapload of homework to wrap up for the end of the semester.

Despite my lack of desire to start, I know that I'll enjoy the work once I'm there. I am soooo glad that I have taken the last year and a half to go back to school for yet another credential. I feel like I'm still moving forward career-wise despite not actually working full-time. However even with all of the warm fuzzies I feel about progressing, I am really really sick of school. I hate having the stress hanging over me all of the time because I let it drive me nuts! I really resent anything that takes my focus off of E. The good news is that I'll be done in June. :)

Better go get to it.

xoxo

Moose Crossing!

2011-11-25T21:20:00.001-09:00

Today was one of those rare days in Alaska where we had magical moose moments. It all started while I was sitting at the dining room table working on some graphs for my principal internship project. My mother looked up from her computer and saw a brown head and body filling up the window. Behind me was this moose about three feet away from me outside of the window! We dashed for our camera and caught this picture as she ran across my yard.

She spent most of the day with her baby grazing and then resting in the neighbor's yard.

When the sun was about to set, they got up and trotted back across my yard and into our woods. They were immediately followed by another mama and baby set. I <3 my neighborhood moose!

Even those people who are raised here think it's cool to see moose. It's just one of those magical reminders that humans are not alone in the world.

xoxo

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T18:25:00.001-09:00

I love this holiday. It makes me incredibly happy that my family is always together, eating, baking, and generally having a great time. It looks like little E is a fan too...

Last year...2010

This year...2011

The oh so cute turkey T-shirt is made by *Golden* and purchased by my dear sister. The cute pumpkin hat was made by Little Bug Creations.

I am thankful for every day I have as a mom, sister, daughter, and wife. Hope you had a happy Thanksgiving.

xoxo

Really.

2011-11-23T20:16:00.001-09:00

Wife puts son to bed.
Son screams bloody murder.
Husband goes in and picks up son.
Husband brings son to couch in living room.
Husband sets son down after he squirms and doesn't want to go to sleep.
Husband asks wife to put son back in bed.
Wife puts son back in bed.
Son whimpers on the way back.
Son screams little heart out.
Husband says, "Mommy is so mean."

Really?

xoxo

Cookie & Milk

2011-11-22T18:44:00.001-09:00

Is there anything better than your first cookie? Make that your first chocolate-chip oatmeal cookie baked from scratch by your very own Granny. Yes, today we introduced E to a cookie and milk!

What was that flying saucer?

xoxo

Christmas Present

2011-11-21T21:00:00.001-09:00

While I really really <3 Thanksgiving, Christmas is coming which means I need to start planning something special for my boy. With Thanksgiving mostly prepped for, the ideas have started stirring.

My main thing about Christmas is that I don't want little E to become one of those greedy present scarfing kids. Yep. I said it.

So while I don't want to impose severe limits on the grandparents or aunties, I think for my present to him I want to do something simple. My idea for this Christmas is to make him his own blocks with letters, numbers, and family pictures/names.

I found what looks like a pretty simple tutorial over here at Our Family of Four which I'm going to try out. When I finish, it should look something similar to this, although I think I want to add numbers and letters as well.

What do you think?

xoxo

A Big Mess

2011-11-20T14:58:00.001-09:00

Before I had E, as an infertile I wondered how anyone who had hit the jackpot with a beautiful kiddo could get in the dumps like this. Well, shit happens.

It seems like the past few weeks I've just been a big messy ball of sadness, tears, irritation, anger, and of course, puke. After the happiness that E has brought to our lives, this past month felt like a huge slide backwards. I really really don't want to be in that place. I've been taking steps to get out of that funk because I know it's been a doozy. By that I mean I've given myself free reign to feel that way, but with a time limit. However, my time limit has expired. Then I got sick. Then I got sick again. So now it's really time to haul myself out of this! Besides, my favorite holiday is just a few days away.

So, today I'm reveling in the fact that I FEEL BETTER! The relief of not being sick, of just feeling normal, is huge!

So now, I'm hanging with my mom and sister and staying warm! It's been hovering in the negatives here which is COLD!

Be safe and warm!

xoxo

NaBloPoMo FAIL

2011-11-19T19:25:00.001-09:00

So apparently I have failed my NaBloPoMo month of blogging goal. If I had posted, this would have been it.

Thursday

I'm sick. I'm the kind of erupting sick that you don't want me to talk about. Now I'm crawling back to bed.

Friday

Last night was hell. I'm hoping the worst of it is over now. Sigh.

***
Besides the two days of hell, I now have my mom and sister in residence. Enzo is incredibly happy having his Auntie and Granny to play with! Yippee!

xoxo

Joiner?

2011-11-16T19:55:00.001-09:00

When I was in high school, I was a joiner. I was actually queen joiner. My list of extra-curricular activities actually didn't fit in the space allowed on my college applications. When college came, I took the opposite tack and became a non-joiner. Over time, I have continued on the non-joining path. Then, infertility firmly moved me from being a non-joiner into a downright group-hating-girl.

Motherhood and moving to a new duty station has brought that to a screeching halt. Well, to be fair, my attitude hasn't changed that much, however I have joined TWO moms groups in the last year to simply meet some people. Necessity for sanity.

The first group I joined helped me get out of the house and dive into some Alaskan activities with my kiddo. Thumbs up.
The second group is a huge local MOPS group, that despite the religious affiliation, is not overly pushy on that aspect. Instead I get to talk with other moms twice a month while my son safely plays downstairs. We have an assigned table within the bigger group which makes it more personal. Thumbs up.

Despite the general niceties of both groups, a few things drive me nuts:

a) groups of women often have catty or high schoolish tendencies. Boo.
b) groups of mothers can complain about their kids and ramble on about procreation on a frequent basis. Double-boo

I don't know if it is my infertile scars or group-hating tendencies that makes me back away from fully connecting with these ladies, but I find myself very guarded with them. During the last meeting, a mom-with-no-filter kept going on and on about how easily she gets knocked up. And oh by the way, she doesn't want to get pregnant with her fifth kid now because her husband is deploying. My pissed off angry self thought, "shut up you stupid bitch." I know, that's totally mean. Of course I didn't say anything. Instead, I murmured my goodbyes, turned around, and left quietly crying. I was just so raw from my appointment with the doctor the day before. Yet even from this crappy moment, today something changed within our little group. One of the girls just came over and hugged me with her other friend who told me that last year at the ripe-old-age of 29 she had to have a hysterectomy. Maybe I'm not the only slightly broken down girl there.

Bonding over crappy stuff like this isn't exactly what one hopes for, but hey, it's something.

xoxo

Back to basics?

2011-11-15T19:28:00.001-09:00

My sister forwarded this to me today. It made me chuckle. Is this back to the basics parenting?

A stiff drink will help your child with his anger issues

By: Jemima Lewis

My four-year-old had such a monstrous tantrum the other day that I bought three parenting manuals. Being an anxious middle-class mother, this is what I do when trouble strikes – read books. I have dozens, on everything from water birth to sibling rivalry. I’ve even bought a book on the pointlessness of parenting books.

Much of the advice is hopelessly otherworldly – or at any rate, Californian. I am counselled, for instance, to use something called “reflective listening” to communicate with my “spirited” child. Instead of telling the blighter to stop kicking me and say sorry, I am supposed to help him identify his feelings and negotiate a way down from his “anger mountain”.

“I can see that you are very frustrated,” I should say. “You wish we could stay in the park forever playing Spider-Man versus the Hulk. How can we find a way to make going home easier for you?” So far, my attempts at reflective listening have been met with a look of furrowed curiosity (Mum’s acting weird again), followed by redoubled wailing.

Still, every now and then one comes across a mercifully practical piece of parenting wisdom. The Australian psychologist Steve Biddulph recommends that, as soon as both parents arrive home from work, they should sit down together with a stiff drink. The alcohol, he says, will make them more relaxed – and thus better parents.

This is such a joyously unmodern, generous-spirited piece of advice that it automatically makes me trust everything Mr Biddulph says. In fact, I think it should be the starting point for manuals of every sort. Planning a spot of DIY? Having trouble with your spark plugs? Just relax – it’ll all seem so much easier after a large Martini.

xoxo

Let it Snow!

2011-11-14T19:49:00.001-09:00

The first snow hit my house on October 30th.

It kept snowing.

And snowing.

Until my poor dog had snow up to her belly.

It's only November 14!!

xoxo

Why a haircut?

2011-11-13T21:12:00.001-09:00

Oh, can I tell you the response from my friends, family, and blog readers about little E's haircut?

The moaning!
The wailing!
The lamenting!

Okay, I'm totally exaggerating. :) In general though, all of the people who kept BUGGING me about cutting his hair are now bemoaning the fact that I actually cut it.

The main reason for the cut is that the comb-over was simply getting a little too long to swirl correctly. When worn as a faux-mo(hawk), the ends would start curling instead of staying spiky. In the I'm-growing-naturally-like-a-skunk hair do, the tip of his hair was long enough that it would dangle in between his eyebrows. Not so cute.

So finally did the deed and shaved it the night before my hubby came home from Korea.

I've been assured from my hispanic friends that shaving a baby's head is the way to get a nice thick head of hair. So, I guess we'll see! In the meantime, he looks like a mini-me of his dad. Heehee! <3 my boys

xoxo

Winners

2011-11-12T12:22:00.001-09:00

Thank you to my ten readers who participated in my Shutterfly Giveaway! Here are the winners!!

Kakunaa!

The Voices!

Deb!

I've sent the three of you emails, so let me know if you have any trouble with the codes or if you didn't get the email.

Thanks Shutterfly for your generous promo!

xoxo

Daddy

2011-11-11T20:27:00.001-09:00

My dear hubby was shipped to Korea for about twenty days while I was on my trip down south. I was incredibly jealous as I would go there simply to shop and eat. I can eat bibimbap and kalbi for days without getting sick of it! Since it is where my hubby and I met, it also reminds me of some good times!!

Regardless of my petty jealousies, we were super excited when Thursday arrived and we could head to the airport to pick him up. Over snowy roads we traveled the hour to the airport. I parked and went in to wait. Little E had just woken up from a short nap and spent several minutes standing in one spot and just staring at the all of the airport sights. So when daddy came and threw his arms open for a hug, little E just stared at him! I think it might have hurt daddy's feelings a little bit.

Once little E warmed up to him again, he got his hugs and kisses.

Oh, my boys.

xoxo

Haircut!!

2011-11-10T20:53:00.001-09:00

The hair is gone!

xoxo

One more day to enter my GIVEAWAY!!!

Alaska

2011-11-09T19:36:00.002-09:00

I live in a huge state. :) So, thankfully the storm is really far away from us. However, it's really battering those villages on the coast. Please keep them in mind.

xoxo

PS...Two more days to enter the GIVEAWAY for 25 free Shutterfly cards! You don't have to Twitter or Facebook anything....just become a follower and leave a message on the giveaway post!

Threads

2011-11-08T21:22:00.004-09:00

**For those who are coming for the first time, this post is about my lovely friend Fairyeggs who donated her eggs to me for our third IVF cycle. I wrote about how I felt about our relationship after I took my son E to North Carolina to meet her and her family for the first time when he was one.**

Before I went to North Carolina to visit with Fairyeggs, I had a brief moment where I wondered if physically seeing little E would change the wonderful balance we have now. This was a veeeeery brief moment. Our friendship has remained consistent through tornadoes, snowstorms, broken down buses, a car accident, living in different countries, children, and dating boys. Of course we would be just fine! It's only human nature to have a wandering thought or two which is why she had a moment of questioning too.

In reality, we have an even stronger friendship than we did prior to little E.

Now there is something between our families that stretches like a gossamer thread. It's a thread so faintly visible that most people barely perceive it, but you can feel it as it brushes across your face. There are threads that run between me, Fairyeggs, our moms and dads, our sisters, our husbands and our kids. It comes from the shared experience from the start of infertility treatments until now. Since I have always shared what we were going through, my family and hers were there for all of the ups and downs.

When we talked about it over Mexican food and margaritas, we agreed that we don't define E's relationship traditionally. By this I mean that neither of us think she is "mom." Similarly, we don't view her kids as siblings with little E. Yet at the same time, there is this connection which we've decided is more like cousins, but not exactly....? Although he's not really talking yet, we decided to have little E call her by the name that her niece and nephew currently use which I think is ridiculously sweet. The role of auntie fits, but is also not inclusive enough. :)

The feeling I left with from the trip was just an overwhelming feeling of love, acceptance, and family. I personally have no term for the woman who gave me this beautiful incredible baby boy. I'm just really grateful to have her and everyone around her in our lives.

xoxo

Hard to Stop Myself...

2011-11-07T15:32:00.000-09:00

While I might have made a decision about baby number two, my heart still jumps at the thought of getting pregnant. It's just hard to stop myself! For example, I was catching up on my blogs when I came across SIF mentioning that Dr. Sher is giving away a free IVF. My instant reaction was, "I could be that person!" Then I laughed at myself.

The same thing happened today when I read about DuoFertility. While it's in FDA trials right now, it's already available in the UK and Europe. Is it bad that I want one?

AND btw, there are four more days to enter my giveaway for 25 free Shutterfly cards! I have three sets to giveaway and only two people entered. Don't make me beg bloggies.

xoxo

A bracelet

2011-11-06T21:43:00.000-09:00

After out trip to Oklahoma, the next leg took us a little further east to North Carolina where Fairyeggs lives. That's right folks, Fairyeggs finally got to actually meet little E! I have a lot to say about this...so much that I've written and discarded about five posts. So, I'm going to try to break it down.

For those of you who weren't following me back then, Fairyeggs is one of my best friends from college who donated her eggs in a cycle which resulted in my amazing boy. Since the DE-IVF cycle, we have seen each other only once back when I was about five months pregnant and still in Missouri. With E's birth and our move to Alaska, getting together before now has simply not been feasible. However before I even planned our trip to see her, I planned something else.

The connection between Fairyeggs and my family is something incredible and really different from the norm. So, on E's birthday, I wanted to get Fairyeggs something to show my appreciation of her gift. I chose to get her a Pandora bracelet with a couple of charms to celebrate what we did to get to this point. With each subsequent year, I plan to give her a new charm to add to her bracelet, just as E will add to our lives each year.

This year, the first charm I chose was a simple silver heart to symbolize the love of our friendship. While most people wouldn't choose love as a representation of friendship, for us I do. I love that girl!! She's proven over and over again how friendship through thick or thin really works. The friendship that we forged in college became the first step of the path that led us to today.

Secondly, I looked for a representation of the cycle. Since neither a needle or a carton of eggs is available as a charm, I chose the Angel of Hope. After the dismal failure at egg retrieval for my second cycle and the subsequent BFN, I was in a pretty dark place. Out of nowhere, she gave me hope. I know, I know--it sounds cheesy! But these types of things, this is why these phrases were made.

Last I chose the traditional baby carriage as a symbol of E's first year. Simple. Straight forward. But no, I didn't actually have a baby carriage, pram, or bassinet.

When I gave it to her, she cried. I think she liked it. :)

xoxo

Five more days left to enter my giveaway for 25 free Shutterfly holiday cards! Anyone who is a follower can leave me a message on the giveaway post and you are in! If you aren't a follower, it's simple to become one! Click on the right hand side of the page where it says followers and you'll be on the path!

Meeting Great-Grandma

2011-11-05T22:05:00.002-08:00

Recently, little E and I embarked on a multi-stop trip that first took us to Oklahoma where my mom's family mostly lives. One of my cousins recently got married down in the Caribbean and had a lovely reception back at home. So, finally little E got to meet this side of the family. A really important part of the trip was meeting his great-grandma. :)

She completely won his heart -- just like a man -- through his stomach. For my whole life, she has always made her own fabulous wheat bread and cinnamon rolls. Unlike store bread, this stuff is dense and full of flavor. After his normal breakfast of banana and oatmeal, he would down a whole piece. I don't know where he puts it!

My cousin who got married is a former marine and a die hard OSU fan. While he doesn't know the details of everything we have been through, our struggle to have E has really made E special to him. He would keep photos of him on his phone and show them to his co-workers. :) My cousin decked him out in OSU gear and I made him a tie-onesie in the colors for the reception.

Besides all of the family fun, the beautiful seventy degree weather gave little E some time to play outside. He was eating it up!

xoxo

Don't forget to enter my GIVEAWAY! It's easy...become a follower and post a message in the giveaway post!

Moping Day 3

2011-11-04T20:11:00.003-08:00

Another day of moping here in Alaska. The eight hours and ten minutes of daylight we have right now just isn't cutting through my funk. In all fairness, it's the combination of everything: the decision, being sick, and the start of winter snow. I give myself the weekend to roll around the muck and physically feel better.

Of course, I always have my personal ray of sunshine...

xoxo

Don't forget to enter my GIVEAWAY for 25 free Shutterfly cards!

Sick

2011-11-03T20:34:00.000-08:00

Thank you so much for your support from my Death of a Dream post. I have to chuckle over the melodramatic title, but then I want to cry because it's true.

I forwarded the post to my husband because he's largely out of contact while in South Korea for a month. As usual he was completely supportive. The same ideas have been percolating in his brain for awhile now. However, it just took me more time and a doctor repeating what I already knew to make it sink in.

To add insult to injury, I woke up last night heaving up the contents of my morose pizza binge. Not fun. I've spent most of the day curled up in a ball in the play area with E. Being sick really detracted from my wallowing time that I have decided to give myself. So annoying.

xoxo

GIVEAWAY!! (updated)

2011-11-02T18:46:00.000-08:00

Although I didn't grow up celebrating Christmas, now as an adult, one of things I really look forward to in the season is the CARDS! I love receiving the cards with family pictures full of kids, dogs, decorations, and bad matching sweaters! There's just something about seeing my friends and family change over the years.

My go to place for holiday cards is always Shutterfly. They are a greeting card haven!

In past years, I have chosen the folded cards because I prefer cardstock compared to photo paper. However, this year I'm leaning towards the flat stationary cards that come in 4x8, 5x5, and 5x7 sizes. The very best part is that you can use both sides of the card for photos and writing. This works for me because I like to add in a little more information than you typically include on a flat card, but I prefer a flat card to a folded card because it's easier to display. This year, I'm going to make this to display my beautiful cards.

Keeping in mind that it costs more to mail square versus rectangular cards, I excluded square cards (and there are some darn cute ones too!)

Among all of the holiday cheer, I'm in love with the retro or vintage cards like these holiday cards:

At the same time, I've also been contemplating sending out New Year's cards instead of holiday cards so that I can include my family who do not celebrate any holiday. Shutterfly offers some adorable options for these too. My faves are...

Besides the great cards, they have a ton of things to add on to make your cards extra nice and of course easier for you like...

ADDRESS LABELS!!

Shutterfly is generously giving me free cards for taking a look at this year's cards (like that's a hardship!) and also giving you a chance. There are two ways:

A. I have my first giveaway! If you are not already a follower of the blog, become one by clicking follow at the top of the page or onthe right hand side of the page by all the pictures. Then simply leave a comment below and you are in! Three lucky followers will win 25 free cards!! I'll be leaving the giveaway open for one week.

B. Do you blog? Want a chance at 25 free cards this holiday season? Register here: http://goo.gl/DDw7Q

Which card do you think I should send this year?

xoxo

Death of my Dream

2011-11-01T16:57:00.000-08:00

Today sucks.

After a really long day of flying across the country and then up to Alaska with little E in tow, we rolled out of bed to head to my appointment with Women's Health aka OB/GYN at the hospital.

Originally I made the appointment in the hopes of getting a referral to a local doctor who might do some injectable cycles with IUIs. In the military system, this takes an appointment with your primary care doctor to get a referral to OB who will then refer you to an outside doc. I knew going into it that there are no Reproductive Endocrinologists in Alaska which doesn't really matter since IVF is not covered by my insurance. However in the few months that have passed between waiting for my various appointments, I have come back around to question whether or not it's feasible for me to safely carry another child. So in the end, this was the main topic for today.

The doctor was quite kind in giving his assessment in a way that respected our right to choose our own path. He didn't flippantly say adopt, but instead acknowledged that every path to a child for us will be difficult.

I think today I just accepted the fact that to have another child myself would be a bigger risk than I'm willing to take. Between the financial and emotional risk, it just seems too large of a hill to climb. While I think we have a handle on the types of treatments that would get me pregnant (donor eggs or donor embryo), it would still cost thousands of dollars to simply get me pregnant. Of course, knowing us, there would also be some failures which would continue to squish our hearts just a little bit more. This would be followed by a pregnancy that would definitely require a cerclage and most likely end up in with a preterm delivery meaning NICU time and health issues for my child.

Besides these things, the toll of the worry and stress on my husband would be considerable. I think it is often much harder to be the one that is worrying rather than the one enduring. If I were to carry again, the doctor said we would need to plan on several months of bed rest.

Contemplating this just makes me feel selfish. I want to do this because the birth experience was amazing. Seeing baby E for the first time was the most joyous moment of my whole life. I want that again. The cost of what it would take to get that dream? I think it is too much.

When I walked out of that office today, I felt like I just knew. I knew that this wasn't the right thing to do. So what is?

It felt like the death of my dream.

xoxo

Boo!

2011-10-30T16:21:00.001-08:00

Sorry for my absence...I've been traveling which I can't wait to tell you about!!!

In the meantime, HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!

The frog costume won by a landslide! :D

xoxo

One

2011-10-10T23:43:00.001-08:00

How is it possible that a year has gone by since this happened?

Remember this picture?

That was the best day of my life.

This boy, he just grabs my heart with every smile, tear, and babble. Can you believe Baby E turned O-N-E!?!?!?!

About a month before his birthday, I started researching all sorts of fun birthday themes for some elaborate party that would have most likely driven me absolutely crazy in planning (which I'm now saving for future years!). Luckily, my wise husband advised me that having a family party would be just as much fun at this point in his life. He was right!!

The week started out with both Granny and Grandpa flying up from California to visit right before my birthday last weekend. Then, Auntie flew in on Friday just for the weekend. Oh, how this boy is loved!!

The day started with some waffle cheers!

Along with playtime outside in his new jacket.

We baked a yummy Pumpkin Apple Harvest Cake and topped it with a fresh whipped cream, cream cheese, and powdered sugar frosting.

Yes, I have mad cake decorating skills.

We gussied up the place a little bit.

Then let him open gifts.

Since he didn't quite get the concept of smashing the cake, we helped him a bit.

This cute little face was then cleaned up in the tub which is one our favorite places.

I never imagined the depths of joy that motherhood has brought to me. The tears and frustration are tempered with smiles and laughter that make me glad to wake up every day. It's all because of him...

Love to my little boy.
Love to all of you.

xoxo

AMA

2011-09-27T21:08:00.001-08:00

AMA?

Against Medical Advice?

American Medical Association?

Academy of Model Aeronautics?

American Motorcyclist Association?

American Music Awards?

Advanced Maternal Age?

Yep, if I were to get pregnant I would now be AMA. As if being infertile wasn't enough!

*No the above person is not actually me....just a google image used to poke a little fun at my birthday.

xoxo

Costume Vote! Let's Try this Again!

2011-09-21T21:23:00.001-08:00

My hubby and I can not decide on a Halloween costume for little E! He wants one, I want another. What do you think?

Thanks!!

xoxo

Tormenting our Child

2011-09-19T22:46:00.001-08:00

We recently took a trip to North Pole, Alaska where even the fire hydrants are xmas themed.

Can you get cooler than that? How about this? (Please excuse the rainy and blurry photographs!)

Imagine giving directions. Get off on Santa Claus Ln and turn right on St Nicholas Dr....SO NIFTY!

While we were out-of-season for the "real" Santa Claus photo op, we did get to see...

There was a lot of cheesy and tacky aspects to the place. However, the cute signs and murals that decorated the main xmas shop were adorable.

Best of all, I got to take pictures that I'm sure will torment baby E long into his teenage and adult years. I just couldn't resist because he was so stinking cute.

Rudolph!

Santa!

Overall much fun was had! I can't wait until Christmas!!

xoxo

Soooooo glad!

2011-09-17T22:50:00.001-08:00

Before E was born I bought a sleep positioner for when he was young and swaddled.

Then right around the time that E was born the FDA and CPSC released a warning about the use of sleep positioners.

So I put in a tote and never used it.

I finally pulled the darn thing out to get rid of it. Which meant it sat in the back of the FAV until my hubby found a very good use for it.

Considering the price of watermelons in Alaska, it's a good thing too! FYI - baby E is nutzo about watermelon!

How's that for repurposing?

xoxo

Tossing Around Ideas

2011-09-10T23:02:00.000-08:00

My husband and I have been tossing around ideas for a second child for the past few months. I've looked at a ton of options so I can narrow down the best choices to share with him. I've really been all over the family building map...

*Trying with my own eggs here in Alaska with a non-RE doc
*Trying some IUIs with insurance covered meds
*Another cycle with my dear Fairyeggs
*Paying for a full anonymous donor cycle
*Trying to share an anonymous donor cycle
*Looking for programs with shared donor cycles
*Adoption
*Donor embryos through Miracles Waiting

What it really comes down to is a) risk and b) money. We really don't want to go through the roller-coaster of cycles so we are looking for the option with the most chance of success balanced with what is affordable.

Ack! The life of an infertile!

And for your viewing pleasure...

xoxo

Eleven

2011-09-10T22:25:00.000-08:00

Although my little man turned eleven months a few days ago, let me document it for posterity's sake.

Eleven Excellent Months!

Weight: 20.5 lbs
Height: 29 inches
Diapers: size 3

Clothes: 12 months!
Teeth: t w o !
Food: everything except the forbidden list!
Adventures: turbo speed crawling, lunging from table to couch, diving for extra binkies in the kitchen drawer.

xoxo

Safety Rule 1

2011-09-04T23:23:00.000-08:00

Did you ever see Zombieland? The main dude has some great rules that keep him alive through his zombie adventures. :)

Well I now have a safety rule for baby food making.

When you are using one of these....

....unplug before you stick your finger in to get the chunks out.

Safety first people. And yes, my finger is still attached.

xoxo

Getting Back Into It

2011-09-01T22:58:00.000-08:00

I could apologize profusely for sucking at blogging over the last few months. Here are my reasons:

a) I've been busy running around with my visitors, going to school, teaching classes, starting my internship, blah, blah, blah.
b) My emotions about myself, my relationships, and adding to our family vacillate daily.
c) I've been editing myself.

So, let's address reason c.

Sharing my blog and my experience with people IRL has been an incredible support throughout our journey. However a few months ago I had people link up with my blog who I really had not invited personally. While this is not an issue in and by itself, I began to slowly edit some of the gritty or unsavory details out. Let's face it, it's not easy letting everybody see some of the aspects of myself that I'm not proud of. So instead of being brave, I started boxing myself into an image more and more within my writing...

How I should feel....
What I should say....

Blech. That's no way to live.

So now I'm trying to get myself geared up again to reclaim my blog. :) Baby steps Jen.

And before I toddle off to bed, let me share two of E's eleven month old pictures that we took this morning.

These were right at the beginning of the shoot and he was really subdued. Still pretty darn cute though.

xoxo

Terrific Ten (late late late)

2011-08-23T18:21:00.000-08:00

This month has been a trip--full of sleepless nights, teething, crawling, pulling up, and shuffling along the couch! Everyday is an adventure filled with food and fun.

Weight: 20 lbs
Height: 29 in
Diapers: Size 3
Clothes: 9 months

I'll be back soon! Promise!

xoxo

Food is Fun

2011-07-18T23:33:00.001-08:00

When I thought about being a parent, I never really anticipated how flipping fun food can be! I'm sure if my child had issues with eating due to allergies or a physical issue such as cleft palate, I would feel differently. So, I appreciate that my son is healthy and hardy enough to handle all of the stuff I throw his way.

I remember someone once telling me that the little jarred baby food was delicious. Yeah, either they LIED or I just have a fine palate developed from watching the original Iron Chef or Hell's Kitchen. Cough, cough. It's probably not the second.

Needless to say, I don't really appreciate the flavors found in those jars. If I don't find the taste pleasant, why on earth would I feed my child that? Other people may feel free to do as they like with their own children btw. :D

So, when E started eating food, I decided to make my own. My fine googling skills led me to momtastic which has all sorts of great tidbits on how to puree, mash, and smash along with storing and freezing the culinary delights. This I do with as much fresh and organic food as I can find.

E loves it.

I mean he seriously loves food.

He gets very very unhappy when you don't feed him fast enough. When I say unhappy, I mean that he starts screaming or doing his hungry grunt.

Then, when you approach him with a bowl, he throws out his arms and opens his mouth. I love that he creates a clear path directly to the mouth by doing this! Occasionally he will slyly intercept the spoon and cover his hand with food goop. He will then slowly squish the food and then wipe his face. Good times!

Another new development is his insistence on trying anything that I might be eating around him. Insistence = eyes fastened the piece of food in your hand/fork and mouth wide open like a fish.

Our latest foray into food has led us to Tyler Florence's new cookbook Start Fresh: Your Child's Jump Start to Lifelong Healthy Eating.

The cookbook has recipes from the single ingredient puree all the way to meals that the whole family can share. I hesitated to buy the book because we are already past the first stages. I was totally wrong! He turned me on to roasting foods that I never would have thought to cook that way and also to different combos that I didn't consider. All I can say is that E has gobbled these up with even more gusto than normal.

From there, I tried jumping straight to the fourth stage foods which is geared towards kids about a year old. While I have really enjoyed being able to share my food with him, I think the jump in flavor is a little shocking to those new tastebuds. Hee hee. I'm going to go back to the appropriate stage foods for him next. However, I can tell you that I'M in love with a few of the recipes I have tried. For instance, the one pan lasagna has completely converted me from lasagna layering hell. In fact, I was giving E a bottle and putting him to sleep while my hubby and sister ate. It's a good thing he asked if anyone wanted more because I hadn't even eaten yet! That's always a good sign! And the pea risotto -- y. u. m! I would totally pick up the book if you are in this stage.

My husband is off to catch some salmon this weekend which I am so flipping excited to have. That's definitely one of the perks of living up here in Alaska! That's just another food I can't wait to share with E.

So much food. So much time to share it with him. :D

xoxo

Nine Naughty Months (lots 'o pictures)

2011-07-14T19:42:00.000-08:00

He's really not naughty. Well, if you count bee-lining for computer cords on a constant basis, maybe he's a little naughty. Here's the nine month low down.

Sleep: crying a lot when going to bed, up a few times before midnight, then sleeping until eight.

New food: egg yolks, chicken, pork, green pea risotto, multi-grain cereal, tofu, peaches, nectarines, beets, cheese, yogurt....more, but I forget! He absolutely wants to try everything that mommy and daddy are eating.

Peekaboo with Granny!

Adventures: occasionally drinking out of a straw cup, splashing at swim lessons, play dates, spending time with Granny & Nanny, playing peekaboo, riding in a cart for the first time, and exploring Alaska!

Chillin' at the Cook Inlet

Movements: Still army crawling but lots of rocking on the knees!

Dude, I just woke up.

The perfect Father's Day card!

Can I go splash in the puddle?

Sounds: Maaaa, Daaaa, Ahhhh!

Watching the seals with Granny!

Teeth Count: Two!

Mommy torturing E!

Diaper Size: Three
Clothing Size: 9 months

First ride in a cart!

Height: 29 in
Weight: 20 lb!

Granny trying to pack E

I promise a real post soon! Hope all is well!

Whee!

xoxo

Shameless Gerber Plug

2011-07-08T00:53:00.001-08:00

So this is my shameless plug for you to vote for E in the Gerber contest. Don't you think a miracle baby like him should win?

VOTE FOR BABY E! CLICK HERE!

Thank you bloggy friends!

xoxo

FAV

2011-06-28T00:44:00.000-08:00

When I turned sixteen, this was something like our family car. . .

So cool.

I didn't really drive much until I bought a car like this from my parents at 21:

Yep, a '94 Nissan Altima. This car met an early demise when it got clobbered at an intersection the day after I put $1,000 worth of work into it! It took me quite a few weeks of test driving to figure out what I wanted. When I sat in this vehicle though, my heart sang.

And for the first time in my life, I loved driving.

There's something about feeling the wind whip your hair as you cruise down the freeway with the sunshine in your face. Of course, that means tangled hair and unexpected sunburns, but it's worth all of it. Besides, I looked damn good in that car. :D

Then the roof started breaking on a regular basis and driving me crazy so we traded it in for this blue monster which I love (and still have).

However, after wrestling the car seat through the half door into the backseat, I caved to my husband. We bought a FAV.

FAV = Family Assault Vehicle. <3 my military man.

Did you notice that I 'caved' to my husband? He soooooo wanted a FAV instead of the Explorer that I was eyeing. He was enchanted with the huge cargo space and comfy seating. Me? Not so much.

Okay, so I have to admit that it is darn comfy. And easy to get E in and out of with his car-seat. And it even has a built in car shade for my precious babe. And a navigation system. And self-adjusting cruise control. And two sunroofs. And a push button start. And lots of other nifty gadgets which appeal to my dork side. And I am NOT admitting that I like it because it is still a van. So there.

He's worth it though.

xoxo

HappyBabyBonanzaShoppingSpree!

2011-06-15T01:02:00.000-08:00

It's 12:43 am, and I just finished my bonanza shopping spree at Amazon on HappyBaby products. I make most all of baby E's food, but snacks like these and cereals -- not so much! Sprout & HappyBaby are my <3 brands <3 when I do buy. So tonight....

Total = $213.45

Organic Puffs Green - 6 pack - $13.88

Organic Puffs Apple - 6 pack - $13.88

Organic Puffs Sweet Potato - 6 pack - $15.47

Organic Puffs Strawberry - 6 pack - $15.47

Organic Puffs Banana - 6 pack - $14.31

Organic Yogurt Melts Strawberry - 8 pack - $21.11

Organic Yogurt Melts Mixed Berry - 8 pack - $19.74

Organic Yogurt Melts Banana Mango - 8 pack - $19.74

Organic Super Cereal Brown Rice - 6 pack - $17.65

Organic Super Cereal Oatmeal - 6 pack - $16.61

Organic Super Cereal Multigrain - 6 pack - $16.87

Baked Organic Cheddar & Carrot Snack - 6 pack - $15.26

Baked Organic Broccoli, Kale, & Cheddar Snack - 6 pack - $13.46

I think my son is set on his treats for awhile!

Yes, I'm a complete dork and celebrate my good deals!

xoxo

Why I feel like crying.

2011-06-08T12:28:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been really emotional. Most of this I have kept to myself which is pretty rare. But quite frankly, there's some part of me that's just had trouble processing it. And I'm busy, so most of it I've just shoved down into the new found well that I've never had in my entire life. I'm a get it off my chest type of girl.

This morning though, I caught a glimpse of jennepper's story over @Maybe if you just relax on my facebook account. I went back on her blog and caught up with what had happened to her twin pregnancy since I last read like six months ago. Heartbreaker.

Later when I ran to the store, Taylor Swift's song "innocent" came on while I was driving home. I started crying because I finally got a grip on why I've been feeling liking crying so much lately.

I'm scared.
I'm so scared I might not even try.
I always try. Always.

I'm not so much scared of trying for a second child and failing in the DE-IVF process. I am dreading possibly putting Fairyeggs through the process again. I am dreading laying out that much money on something with the equivalent odds of playing red or black on a roulette table. What I'm terrified of is getting pregnant and losing the baby.

By the time I finally got over my infertile fears of losing the pregnancy during the first trimester, I was on my way to Alaska.

I felt a few stretches of happiness during my second trimester but really spent most of my time somewhere in between happy and scared.

Then I went to California and finally celebrated with my baby shower. For about two weeks I felt joyous and excited. I find that ironic because during that time I was losing my mucus plug and had no idea that the signs were there that something wasn't going right.

Back in Alaska, we closed on our house and then that night I was admitted to the hospital. I laid immobile for two weeks. Then infrequent trips to the restroom and shower. You know the rest--everything turned out fine.

I know that there are many babies who are born early and do just perfectly fine. But let me tell you that for me, when I hear there is an 85% chance of my child living. I hear that there is a 15% chance of him not. In all of this, I have learned that I rarely come out on the good side of the statistics.

Part of me rages at the stupidity of going forward with a second try. What the hell am I thinking in trying to do this again? Why would I put my family through this again?

So here I sit crying.

I know I need to go into the OB and discuss this but that's all rational and shit.

xoxo

Numero Dos

2011-06-07T20:23:00.000-08:00

I've been contemplating writing this post because there are a lot of people who read this who know my family IRL. To be quite frank, I am not sure I am ready to discuss this subject beyond this post and with my immediate family. So beyond cyberworld, shhh.

We are considering having a second child.

More than anything the reason I have started contemplating this is because I was planning a vacation to Hawaii. As you can imagine, people in Alaska often vacation to Hawaii as it's close, warm, and beautiful. So here I am contemplating dropping a wad of money on a vacation when I really would rather put that money towards having another child.

So the discussion began.

With my hubby.

With Fairyeggs.

Between Fairyeggs and her hubby.

Then I shoot off an email to Dr. Leprechaun.

Then I start trolling donor agencies for options.

And suffice it to say, after all of the discussion and email. None of us know what we want to do.

Stay tuned.

xoxo

Eight Eventful Months

2011-06-07T20:04:00.000-08:00

How is it possible that I have an eight month old? Here is the rundown for this month. Of course, I have to start with a picture that captured his eye-twinkle.

Sleep? through the night except when teething...thank you thank you son.

New Foods? puffs, raspberries, yams, barley, carrots, a few pieces of strawberry and pineapple added to all the other fun things we already eat. Yes, I know that strawberries are controversial for allergy reasons before twelve months, but I felt comfortable with it after reading a study that indicates delaying introduction of foods doesn't change allergies. Of course, I'm still adhering to the major forbidden lists like milk, honey, etc. It also helps that Fairyegg's family history shows no food allergies.

Adventures? Army crawling! Playing in the dog's water bowl! Finger foods! Wheeeeee!

Can't catch me!

Physical Developments? Sitting up for extended periods of time, army crawling, and getting first tooth!

Sounds? Right before mother's day, the constant mamamamamamamamaaaaa sounds were replaced with da da and ba ba babbles. He <3s making raspberries.

Diaper size? Rocking the threes

Clothing? Still in six month range

Height? @28 in (@ because this is the at home measurements!)
Weight? @19 lb
Head? @17 in

Loves. xoxo

Chasing Tail

2011-06-01T14:20:00.000-08:00

My son chases tail.

heehee. Yes, I said it!

xoxo

Seven Splendid Months

2011-05-17T23:15:00.000-08:00

Seven splendid months with this little sucker whom I adore.

Sleep? Yes! He's still generally sleeping the night through although occasionally he wakes up and needs a back pat or a few ounces. During the day he's still taking about three cat naps a day which vary from 10 minutes to three hours. I can see the correlation between his growing and sleeping. It's kinda of cute.

Adventures? As the snow started melting, we finally went for our first walk outside in a stroller. We also had two weeks without daddy as he headed to the lower 48 for some training. I made it through!

Sounds? Maaaah ma ma ma maaaa MAAAAAAAAAAAAAH MAAAAAAH!

New Foods? Acorn and butternut squash, peas, blackberry, blueberry, purple carrot and pears, mango...yummy yum yum mommy. Still hitting about 20 oz of formula a day in two to four ounce gulps.

Weight? 16 lb 2 oz 10th percentile
Height? 26.9 inches 25th percentile
Head? 43 cm 10-25th percentile

Clothing size? Six Months!
Diaper size? Size two, but rapidly approaching a three

Much love....xoxo

M-Day (updated with good links)

2011-05-09T00:57:00.001-08:00

I know that Mother's Day can feel like storming the beaches in Normandy for the infertile. So I hope you survived relatively unscathed. If you want to click away now, I totally understand.

Finally last weekend, I finished composing the last of my papers for Spring semester. That made this weekend the first time we were able to just get away for months. To add to the glorious freedom, I *believe* winter has finally left the building. So we made reservations at a resort south of Anchorage and headed down the Glenn Highway.

We stayed here:

And I did this:

We ate an amazing meal at a bistro sporting an amazing seared tuna over spinach risotto with a blue cheese foam. Ha. (I mock foam mercilessly on Top Chef.)

The absolute best part of the weekend is spending time with him:

Because despite all of the other wonderful things that happened during the weekend, this little man and my husband are my world. Watching him laugh with my husband and find comfort in my arms--those things fill me with joy. E has unlocked a part of myself that I didn't know existed. I know that's such a sap-pot statement, but it's true. I just feel lucky that I get to have him in my life.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you.

xoxo

1/2 Birthday (almost a month later)

2011-04-28T16:06:00.000-08:00

I have been putting off documenting my dear boy's 1/2 birthday for so long that we are almost to seven months! Argh! I've been finding out that all of those trite sayings that people say are oh so true. Take for example the phrase, "they grow up so quickly." How is it that I already have a six month old son? It still seems like he is so fresh and new to our lives that it is impossible to fathom that half a year has passed. My heart and thoughts have not caught up with the time that has passed. So here I am with a six month old celebrating his 1/2 birthday and I'm still amazed at our good fortune.

So what has six months brought my dear little E? (recorded actually at the sixth month mark BTW!)

Height, weight and head circumference? No idea as my scale is crap and the pediatrician is running far behind for their appointment schedule.

Food? Formula...usually about 20 oz in increments of 4 oz. Rice and oat cereal. Pureed versions of : sweet potato, green beans, apple, banana, and avocado! He is my hungry hungry hippo and loves to eat anything I give him which makes me cheer.

Activities? Still rolling from front to back, sitting up for a few seconds at a time, actively grabbing toys and trying to scoot around like an inchworm.

Adventures? Ha. Not this month.

Sleep? Still sleeping through the night with random wake-ups needing a binky, diaper change, or food. Napping is still spotty but generally occurring in the morning for about 45 minutes and then an our in the afternoon. Sometimes a short 30 minute snooze before dinner.

I've been writing blog posts in my head, so now I just need to get them down before they disappear into the recesses of mom brain. BTW, which photo should be the official six month picture?

xoxo

Steps

2011-04-11T21:26:00.000-08:00

Seriously after my last post I really just want to slap myself and follow it with a big 'get over yourself J!' Because honestly, I'm irritating myself. So this morning I headed back to the treadmill which always seems to help. I also allowed myself to completely focus on E today without allowing my work to hang over me. It's part of me learning how to just be present.

So now that he's (hopefully) asleep for the night, I'm off to build some curriculum.

xoxo

Funk

2011-04-09T21:59:00.001-08:00

Have you noticed that there is still snow falling across my blog? That's because it's April and still snowing here. Bah. I'm ready for flip flops. I sat on front steps for about five minutes today because despite the snow we got two days ago, it was actually quite pleasant.

I've been in a pretty big funk when I'm not sitting in front of my computer working on a presentation or a paper. I'm still absolutely loving my time with my little man, but needless to say, anxiety is still getting the best of me on the other fronts.

Sister left yesterday after her week-long visit. <3 having her here.

Hubby is leaving tonight on the red-eye. Boo.

Got my period for the first time since E was conceived.

And while I'm complaining, thanks Congress for throwing everything into a tizzy by threatening a budgetary shut-down AND to PETA for donating a free vasectomy in honor of infertility week. That was sweet. Really.

xoxo

A little bit of cheer

2011-03-29T16:26:00.000-08:00

Spreading the cheer of baby E...enjoy!

This and That

2011-03-27T22:41:00.000-08:00

After my last blog where I vomited my anxiety directly on to the page, it's not surprising that it has taken me this long to even write another post.

I am still swimming in papers and presentations. Really, I'm way overwhelmed with the amount of work I still have to do with about five weeks left until the end of my semester. Every weekend is blocked out with work time which I will need every minute of to finish all of my projects. Sigh. Thankfully my sister is coming during her spring break which will get me some extra time during that week to squeeze in some extra work.

Believe me, I know I got myself into this mess. I have no one to fault except for myself as I chose to take these classes. It's a fault of mine as I always try to do too much.

Anyway, my little man continues to be the absolute joy of my life. Even when I'm mired in other crap, he never fails to make me smile. I feel like life has changed in that it is brighter and better with him around.

Some of the things he does just grab my heart and squeeze it.

When I'm feeding him, he likes to wrap his soft little hands around my thumb and pinky. He uses them to lever the bottle closer and further away as his little heart desires. He's also fond of using this technique to chomp on his favorite chew toy, my index finger.

Every time I peel back the diaper and find poop, he never fails to give me this huge grin.

I was going to leave you with a little piece of the cheer he brings to us, but alas blogger is moving way to slow with pictures and videos, so we are SOL. So, while he is laying in his crib kicking the monitor, I head back into my research to finish my paper.

Loves.

xoxo

Anxiety

2011-03-10T22:15:00.000-09:00

Lately I've been swimming in a haze of anxiety which completely pisses me off.

Diving into school while taking care of Baby E sounded like a great idea before I actually tried to do it. The traditional class that I'm taking is mostly under control. However, the correspondence course is kicking my butt. At first I thought the class would be great as the syllabus showed five projects to complete at my own pace. Yet when I actually dived into the work, I realized in the first project 1) that the five documents to read actually totaled 500 pages, and 2) I have absolutely no frame of reference as I know nothing about rural Alaska or the Native Alaskans. To top it off, the assignments all center around the idea that I'm working in a classroom somewhere in Alaska, which I am obviously not. Needless to say, it makes the 90% of the assignment theoretical for me based upon what I can glean from my local district's website. It's beyond frustrating. What also peeves me out is that I got a 14/15 or 93% on my first assignment without any explanation as to where my 7% went. Does he know how hard I worked on that paper? Beh.

Anyway, when I get anxious about an assignment then it takes me a billion years to write it.
So now I'm behind.
And I'm stressing.
Because it's virtually impossible for me to write in the short breaks I have during the day.
Because I'm taking care of my son.
My beautiful, happy son who is my own personal definition of joy.
And I'm teaching my online classes.
And I'm making dinner.
And I'm trying to keep my pretty new house from becoming grubby.
And I have no friends here.
And I've gained five pounds from stress eating.
And so I've turned into this anxious ball of STRESS!

So I've stopped trying to actually write any of my assignments during the week and am instead just focused on getting my immense pile of readings done. I hopped onto the treadmill and started walking again. These simple things have made me feel so much better.

I just want to be a mom who is present, calm, and put together. I don't want to be stressed out and distracted. I want to cherish every moment I have with this kid and not feel guilty or pressured to do something else. He's just the best, and he deserves me to be at my best.

I certainly don't want to grump at my hubby either.

So I'm working on getting this all under control.

xoxo

5 Months

2011-03-01T15:26:00.000-09:00

Every day I have moments of awe where I quietly marvel at my good fortune of having baby E in my life. Yep, this cynical girl does this every single day at least once. I can't believe that five months of this bliss have already passed. Wasn't it just yesterday that I had my heart stomped on by another baby making failure?

So, today we celebrate five months with baby E by of course taking his picture...

The best part about this picture is that you wouldn't even know that it was taken in between bouts of tears, crying, immense drool, and some good old snot flowing. Poor baby, mommy tortures you so.

This month has really been filled with a number of changes in him. It blows me away to see new things pop up each week.

Weight: 13 lb 9 oz which puts him in the 10th percentile
Height: 24 in which puts him in the 10th percentile
Head: 41 which puts him in the 3rd percentile

Food: Formula, usually 24 oz in 4 oz increments; and as of two days ago cereal!

Activities: Grabbing at toys, excessive drooling, putting toys in mouth, rolling from tummy to back, scooting in a circle by swinging legs

Mommy's favorite moment: the look on his face as he discovered his toes! "I have toes mommy!" Many minutes have been filled with this new play thing.

Adventures: went on his first plane rides to California, then Florida, and back to Alaska! He did a great job sucking on his binky during take off and landing which really kept his ear pressure okay. People remarked that they didn't even know there was a baby on the plane!

Sleep: in his crib with the swaddle gone! During vacation he decided to start sleeping for eight hours. EIGHT! Now, I think we're growing and waking up every four hours to eat. Hungry boy.

xoxo

A year

2011-02-11T12:15:00.000-09:00

It's kind of fitting that I'm in California visiting my family right now. Why, you ask? Because a year ago, I was sitting in this very same chair daring to hope that my two little blastocytes might turn into this

a life filled with gummy smiles

and quiet moments

Fairyeggs and I have been talking about the journey over the past few days. It seems like such a long time ago but yet at the same time the struggle of it all doesn't feel very removed. It seems like the struggles and heartbreak should vanish in the pure joy of having baby E, but it doesn't.

The scars of the journey remain on my heart.

But instead of being something bad, they are mixed with the love of Fairyegg's gift and the pride of our determination. Instead of marring our hearts as parents, I think the scars add to the character of our love for E.

It may not have been flawless, but I think our journey has turned out pretty darn beautiful.

xoxo

By the way, this is post #300!

Treading Water

2011-02-07T15:23:00.000-09:00

I'm here.

Treading water with teaching my two online university classes.

Gulping a little water down when it comes to the two grad classes that I'm taking.

Loving my time with baby E.

But honestly, what was I thinking?

xoxo

the girls are good

2011-01-23T21:16:00.000-09:00

I'm happy to report that the girls have been healing up nicely over the last week. (Knock on wood) The two antibiotics I'm on prevent me from using my breastmilk but have been working which is all I really care about at this point! Baby E has been solely on formula for the last week or so and doesn't seem any worse for the wear.

As for weaning, I'm pumping two and sometimes three times a day with a yield of about six ounces. This is a huge drawdown from the 35-40 ounces I was pumping out earlier. The plan is to completely empty the girls each time while spreading the pumping times out. However as per my doc's orders, I'm going as slooooooow as I need to.

Today is the first day that I'm feeling a lot better as I finally have a little energy. I've been allowing myself to just fulfill the basics of life--taking care of E, cooking dinner, working the classes I teach, and doing the bare minimum in the classes I'm taking. Cleaning be damned.

Thanks for all of your well wishes!

xoxo

The blogosphere

2011-01-23T19:16:00.000-09:00

When I first started blogging, I remember just feeling this intense loneliness and isolation as I started towards my first IVF cycle. I thought this blog was just a way to start speaking even if no one was listening.

It felt forced at first because I simply hadn't let myself contemplate most of the ins and outs of what we were going through. My husband was deployed. We lived states away from my family. I felt like I was stuttering, but I had to get some things out. Over the year and a half that followed, I have come to find an amazing group of strong women (and one man :)) who have given me such strength as they walk the same path. Even more, moms and friends of fellow bloggers, people I only knew a little in real life, cousins, and even my hubby's girlfriend from high school came to cry and also cheer with us.

Over the past couple of weeks, it seems like the losses of people around me have been coming with every turn. Wiseguy lost Lola this week. My friend stationed in Germany confided that she lost her twins in two separate miscarriages. Then someone who cheered me on my DE journey IRL lost her triplets when she went into labor early. She was able to hold each of them before they passed.

It's heartbreaking.

Yet, it's in these times that I remember how lucky I am to have stumbled into the blogosphere. Because even when it sucks, we're lucky to have each other.

(hugs)

xoxo

When mastitis kicks you in the hooters.

2011-01-18T20:44:00.000-09:00

My husband called it.

He told the doctor last week that we would probably end up in the ER sometime during the weekend since they had no good suggestions on how to wean. God forbid they tell me to do something and then give me a clue as to how to do it.

Dammit he was right! It gets worse too!

They had to admit me. ADMIT ME!

Essentially on Thursday about 5:30, I started getting the chills and shakes which is my first sign of getting mastitis. I went to the mirror to check out the girls and sure enough Bossie was bright red. Hubby drove the hour home, packed us up, and we headed right back into Anchorage. The ER doc looked at me with sympathy and hesitantly said we probably needed IV drugs. Yep, bring it on man. So we did. When they went to discharge me, they checked my vitals and found out that my pulse was running in the high 140s. Yowzers. Yep, I don't get to go home. Sleepy hubby and son finally headed home around one to get some rest.

The next three days I spent being dowsed with three different types of antibiotics to cover a broader spectrum and plyed with fluids. The doc had me start pumping every three hours again which sucked since I had worked so hard at weaning over the past week and a half. By the second day, Bessie had joined in the fun and turned lobster red. Meanwhile, I felt like doggiedoo and could barely summon the energy to text or talk to my family.

The whole time I laid there being stressed because I had work to do and no internet access. S-T-U-P-I-D. But I had deadlines. And so I laid there like an idiot stressing, trying not to stress, and then passing out because I felt so damn crappy.

When I wasn't stressing, I raged about being sick again. This episode finally made me hit the wall of patience with this mastitis crap. I got pissed off. Honestly, since baby E was born, I have been on a cycle of getting sick, going to the ER, taking antibiotics, and then taking another week and a half to be better. Then a week or two later, I would repeat the cycle. Once I made my peace with stopping the breastmilk, I was kind of excited that I might get off this roller coaster. Yet, in trying to do this safely (and with no guidance from the docs), I just ended up in the hospital.

When you put this into perspective of the fact that before baby E was born, I spent eight weeks on bedrest. I have been in a bind physically since this summer.

None of this negates the fact that I'm happier than anything to have E with me. I just would like to be healthy now so I can give him the best care possible and also enjoy this time with him!

So now I'm home, chugging down antibiotics and trying to get as much rest as possible. Please let this be the end of this crap!

For my final words tonight, let me say that my hubby is a rock-star. While I was away from my baby boy, he took fantastic care of him and even started getting him on a sleeping schedule. I can't tell you how much I appreciate having a hubby who is infallibly reliable.

xoxo

Three Fabulous Months

2011-01-11T21:56:00.000-09:00

While we are a little past E's three month mark, I realized I never posted about it! Bad mommy! So here it is:

Baby E at three months:

This is the perfect picture as E's biggest discovery at three months is his hands. "Mommy I have HANDS and I love to ball them up and gnaw on them."

Stats: At his appointment, he weighed in at 11 lbs, 3 oz and thus moved from the 3-10th percentile to the 50th! He's such a good eater. :) His height stayed at the 10th percentile as he came in at 22.5 in. His little bitty head moved from the 3rd percentile to the 10th-25th.

Movement: He continues to roll over from his stomach to his back. He loves pushing off with his legs. His rocks his whole body and occasionally head-butts us. Despite this, he has great control over his neck and loves to look around. He's now able to track people and toys with his eyes. He's still hitting his toys on his playmat and sometimes grabs them. Speaking of grabbing, he loooves gripping my fingers.

Facial expressions: Gummy smiles!!!!!! Eyebrow lifting. Forehead wrinkling. Big pouty lip.

Cries: He's definitely found his voice this month and is now letting us know when he's not happy. He developed a new octave this month for when he's really ticked! He mainly uses a "maaaah" sound which makes me hope for a "mama" one day!

Sleep: Still in his vibrating chair stacked in his pack n' play in our bedroom. Spending short spurts in his crib. He's still not a huge fan of lying flat.

Random tidbit: explosive poop has begun. Poo monster!

It's been three fabulous months with my little man. Gosh, I love this kid.

xoxo

On to Sage...

2011-01-11T21:36:00.000-09:00

Well the girls are still full o' milk.

At their height, Bessie and Bossie were producing around 40 ounces of milk per day. Even with my shortened pumping time and extended time between pumpings, they are still managing to squirt out quite a bit. Just yesterday I went to fit the phalange to Bossie when she abruptly shot some milk across the bathroom about two feet. Yep, that really happened.

So I have fully consumed the tin of Altoids and my cabbage leaves have been faithfully applied to the point where I swear I still smell them even though I took a shower. So now I'm onto the third suggestion of incorporating massive amounts of sage into my life. I started off today with sage tea including a cup of water, 1/2 teaspoon of dried sage, and a squirt of honey...yummy. Tonight I tried putting the 1/2 tsp onto a corner of a peanut butter sandwich. Wow, I did not spread it out enough and ended up coughing up powdery sage for the next fifteen minutes.

In other fun news, the nurse called to tell me the culture shows I have a bacteria in my breast milk. As my doc is out this week, the one covering his patients wants me to come in tomorrow for another culture and exam. This time they're doing an anaerobic and fungal culture. All I think of when someone says fungal is my giant mushroom from Louisiana. Sweet!

My maternal guilt has been easing over the last few days. I was really happy today when I gave baby E some formula and he went right into food coma. I figure this is because formula is a little heavier than breastmilk -- the equivalent of eating a big old turkey dinner and then passing out. I figure that's a good thing. :)

Hope you are well!

xoxo

The ridiculous

2011-01-08T17:40:00.000-09:00

Thank you so much for your supportive comments about stopping breast-feeding and moving to formula. It's so nice to have your voices cheering me on in whatever direction I go.

There's a small part of me that is still holding on to the ideas that: 1. reducing my supply might take a load off of my ducts; 2. nursing again might drain my girls more completely. Maybe a combination reducing my supply to a lower level and nursing might do the trick to allow me to just supplement without returning to the hospital every other week.

Then there's the other part of me that says to commit to weaning. After all, there are definitely benefits to switching as hopefully I won't be sicker than a dog anymore, and I might be able to spend the day in Anchorage without worrying about the time ticking away on my boob-clock while we're shopping. It will also make our trip to the lower 48 so much easier as I won't have to worry about pumping on the plane and holding E when I'm by myself. Can you imagine that conversation with my seat-mates?

Regardless of the pros and cons, I have gone ahead and started trying to reduce my supply. And just like my red and white polka dot pumping bra with the pump phalanges sticking out evokes the ridiculous, so does this endeavor.

After all, who thought of putting cabbage leaves on their girls?

Who started eating a whole tin of Peppermint Altoids, the 'curiously strong mints' in hopes of drying the milk fountain?

Seriously, people who come up with this are wacky cool. Well, they're cool if it actually works.

So here I sit on my couch, popping Altoids like candy with green cabbage leaves tucked into my bra. Come and get it honey!

xoxo

Sucky

2011-01-07T23:04:00.000-09:00

So I went to the doctor on Tuesday to follow up from my ER visit (I know it's strange to go to the ER for mastitis but that's the way the military health care system works.) Much to my chagrin, over the weekend my non-infected breast started turning red and hot. How on earth can a girl can get mastitis while on antibiotics? Well apparently my infections have become resistant to the antibiotics which is t-r-o-u-b-l-e.

After a consultation with another doctor, my guy came back with two options: 1) throw in the towel or 2) the next time I get an infection, be admitted for IV-antibiotics.

Seriously? I usually don't feel much about this kind of crap as I try to focus on what I have to do next. Inevitably though, I spent about five minutes raging inside.

Part of me would like to blame the doctor and say that he hasn't really researched everything I could possibly do. But some things are simple. With my history, I'm more than likely to get it again. The treatment options (or non-options) are clear. The choice is still mine to make even though it is apparent what the docs think I should do.

But part of me just wants someone to say, you can't continue. Because without this clear directive, I feel like I'm quitting on my kiddo.

What I really need to do is take my own advice and be happy that I have managed to do this for three months.

I know it's not the end of the world to stop breast-feeding baby E at three months. I just want so much to be able to provide for him my excellent fatty booby juice that has immunities and has enabled him to almost double his birth weight. That's just it, it's something I want. This desire isn't a statement about the pros and cons of formula. It's just what I want--why can't I get what I want!!!

With that attitude, a temper tantrum should ensue but yeah, I guess I'll be an adult and deal with it by moving on and figuring out the formula deal.

xoxo

Dirty

2011-01-02T19:14:00.000-09:00

I mentioned right before New Year's that I had another round of mastitis. Believe me, I had the same reaction you had, AGAIN? Because seriously, there are few mamas out there who get it four times in three months. You probably wonder, is it really mastitis or just blocked ducts? Yes, all four bouts have been full blown mastitis with high fever, chills and shaking, and a red hard cone shaped spot on one of my breasts. Here is what gets me...

Of the four visits I have had with different providers, every one first asks me if I am thoroughly cleaning my hands and pumping equipment. Let me tell you that at this point, I want to SMACK them when they ask me this.

Yes, I know they are doing their jobs.

According to WebMd, "Mastitis most often happens when bacteria enter the breast through the nipple. This can happen when a nursing mother has a cracked or sore nipple. Going for long stretches between nursing or failing to empty the breast completely may also contribute to mastitis."

So for round one and two I imagine that having a cracked nipple and producing more milk than my kiddo was eating caused the mastitis. But after this point, I had educated myself and essentially switched to eping (exclusive pumping). My husband would walk in when I was pumping and cringe at the sight of me smooshing my boob in an effort to make sure that every possible drop of leche was squeezed from the girls. Additionally since the very beginning, my cleaning routine for my pumping equipment included not only washing it every time with hot, soapy water, but also using the medela bags to sterilize it at various points during the day. The skin around my fingers cracked between the copious amounts of hand-washing along with antibacterial goop I slather on afterwards for good measure.

So, when a health provider insists that mastitis occurs from bad hygiene, I have to hold myself back not to completely lose it with them. Now I just picture angry birds blowing them up (very addicted, must stop playing). I am not dirty!!!!

Besides giving me a huge dose of Ibuprofen and antibiotics, the professionals really seem to have no answers for me. I'm suppose to go in sometime this week to discuss what we can do to figure this shiznat out. Really, you might do a culture or something? Wow, go all out for me docs.

The bummer for this time is that the doc put me on antibiotics that I can not breastfeed with which has sent us dipping into my freezer stash. I'm grateful I have my treasure trove, but I don't think there is quite enough milk to get me through the ten days + 1 to let the drug clear my system. These pills also make my stomach hurt all of the time despite the fact that I'm following the instructions and taking them with food. Good times!

Despite this, my little man is doing great. I'll post soon about him!

xoxo

Go Give Some Love

2011-01-01T09:00:00.001-09:00

Yesterday I wrote about my friend Jenn's adoption, but today she announced that it failed. Please head over HERE and give her some love.

xoxo

2010

2010-12-31T11:01:00.000-09:00

I'm sure that the end of the BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE deserves some fabulous post detailing how incredibly happy and grateful I am for my family, friends and son. However, I am absolutely exhausted this morning from yet another bout of mastitis, visit to the ER, and a son who didn't sleep. And I'm so happy to be tired to the point of hardly being able to string these words together because of the reason--my boy. So I leave you with this:

Where's the baby?

Love my squish!

Goodnight 2010!

Congrats to Jenn and Trav over at Got Love, Been Married, Now Where the Hell's the Baby Carriage? on the arrival of baby I--beautiful adoption for my great friends!

Love to all out in bloggy land! Happy New Year!

xoxo

Twists and Turns (revised after I realized the original was much too dramatic)

2010-12-26T22:54:00.002-09:00

Before my husband and I got married, I went and bought a Nissan 350Z Roadster with the money I had been saving up--that in my head I had earmarked for our possible wedding. Yeah.

My sister and I lived in a townhouse with a two car garage where we parked both of our cars. On a usual morning, I would leave for work before her. However about two weeks after I bought the car, my sister backed out of the garage by swinging her car around right where my car usually wasn't--right into my beautiful, new, expensive convertible. The one I had just bought. The one that didn't even have a license plate yet. She forgot that the car was there and I was asleep upstairs. She was running late to work so she called me to tell me the news on her way. I hung up the phone and ran down the three flights of stairs to see my shiny black door with a small dent in it. Looking at it, I felt ill. I just felt sick about it.

Well this morning, without going into details, I had an accident happen. This time it was my fault. It wasn't a car.

Let me say that everybody and everything is absolutely okay. As a mom though I'm allowed to blow everything out of proportion. That being said--I've never felt the terror I felt this morning! I think I aged a year in the time it took for us to check everything over and realize that everything was okay. My husband was AWESOME though and managed to refrain from teasing me until hours later.

The thing is that while no one wants any accidents to happen, I am probably the hardest on myself about it because it was my fault. Let's fact it, I'm just one to feel guilt over even small things. Eventually, just like I got over it with my car, I will get over this. With my car, it was hardest with the first dent. When it got nicked and scratched by life, it got easier to deal with. I hope this is just the first of the many twists and turns that will define motherhood. I hope the first one is the hardest, but I'm not holding my breath!

Sigh.

xoxo

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T20:25:00.001-09:00

Dear Bloggy friends,

Thanks for sharing this amazing journey with me. Thanks for being here to cry and laugh with me. Thanks for showing up and reading.

For those of you still waiting, don't give up hope.

For those of you with your little one, enjoy every moment.

Merry Christmas!

xoxo

The Bird

2010-12-24T00:26:00.000-09:00

Compared to most people, I feel driven to follow rules, guidelines, and occasionally speed limits. This probably comes from the fact that when I break said rules or guidelines, I get the big smackdown. Smackdowns are not so much fun, so I usually carefully consider the consequences to determine if I can live with them before I choose to color outside of the lines.

So imagine my surprise when I find myself flipping child rearing books the bird. Repeatedly. And it feels great.

After going through everything we did to get baby E, I found I had little desire to read what would come after we safely brought him into this world. I didn't want to jinx anything so I limited preparation to basic things such as bathing, diapering, and breast-feeding. Yep, the girl who obsessively played doctor google with every aspect of hormone levels, aspiration techniques, and drug side effects while conceiving, didn't read jack about sleep training, attachment parenting, or some dude named Ferber.

Of course over the years I have observed the granola, don't shave my legs, sling mamas as well as the starched, life runs from my blackberry, and my child naps at exactly one o'clock types. What's great is that each one makes it work for them. What works for me is not being held hostage by some book that tells me that picking up my child when he is crying is going to scar him for life or conversely that by allowing him to sleep in a crib will create devastating attachment issues.

Another aspect that plays into this for me is that I have the luxury of not working full time and instead work part time teaching online university classes from home. So because of this, I don't have the need to create the most rigid schedule because it doesn't matter if I'm up from 10 pm to 2 am because I can sleep in shifts from 2 to 10 am. Then, I can fit in my work whenever time allows. Likewise, if I want to let my son sleep in my bed when he's wanting to be with me and sleep in his bassinet when he doesn't care either way - SO BE IT!

I'm not silly enough to figure that I won't be turning to advice from the experts at some point in my future, but the point is that I don't have to. I don't have to lock myself into some prevailing philosophy just for the sake of it. I get to be a mom and decide what is best for my beautiful kiddo.

Love it.

xoxo

Sweetpea

2010-12-19T18:59:00.000-09:00

Some of you know of my absolute looooooove of my American Bulldog, Sweetpea. Here she is with my other sweetpea!

How could you not love that sweet face?

Other posts to come soon. I started back to teaching online classes this week so time has been very short. I'm getting into the swing of it though!

Huge congrats to ASP who brought home her dear baby O! Give her some love. We are so happy for her!

xoxo

Letting Go

2010-12-07T22:13:00.000-09:00

I'm not officially participating in Reverb10 since I just finished my Nablopomo month, but I've been reading a few blogs who are participating. One of the prompts last week asked about what we have let go of this year. Wow, this is a big one for me.

One's suffering disappears when one lets oneself go, when one yields - even to sadness. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

I came across this quote in the wee hours of a morning last month. Since then, these words bounced around as I pondered why on earth the idea of letting go makes me feel so sad, so emotional, so ready to burst into tears. Then I realized what I let go of, and I understood.

I let go of the life I thought I would have.

Life isn't suppose to take you through three IVF cycles or require a gift of eggs from your best friend. It's not suppose to leave you devastated in some crappy hotel as you receive a phone call from an embryologist. Life isn't suppose to require cold sterile rooms and thousands of dollars of drugs to create a family. In all of this, I ended up yielding to the sadness of it all. I surrendered to my despair.

After I lived those moments, I found that I stopped expecting so much. I no longer felt entitled. That made it stop hurting so much. As much as that sounds sad, it's not because what came next gave me a life better than I imagined.

Because next? Next, I got really lucky.

My best friend donated her eggs.
A doctor donated his services.
And it worked.

The events of the last eighteen months have taken me from the depths of despair to the most beautiful moment of joy. Does that change a person? Of course. Now I a mother who has a unique appreciation for her son and a stronger bond with her husband. I wouldn't change that.

xoxo

November

2010-11-30T20:55:00.000-09:00

The month of November has passed with my dear boy in my life. Hands down these have been two of the best months of my life. Every day I'm amazed at the tiny little differences in his facial expressions, strength and alertness. I love watching as his belly rounds out and then suddenly disappears as he grows in length only to start over a few days later. I marvel at the sounds that manage to come out of such a tiny body. During this month, baby E managed to roll over from front to back. Smiles have started to appear at random times and are now just starting in response to us. Best of all, he studies our faces when we are close.

Love you baby boy.

xoxo

Random Question: How does one officially count 'months old' for a kiddo? Is it calendar months or groups of four weeks?

Puuuuumping!

2010-11-29T19:34:00.001-09:00

When I said that I had had it with breastfeeding, I didn't actually stop feeding baby E my milk. I just started exclusively pumping. Despite this last mastitis attack, I am sooooooooo much happier doing this. The mastitis has nothing to do with the pumping as the previous two occurrences happened while I was nursing. Anyway.

I got some great suggestions from the blogosphere to invest in a handsfree pumping bra. So off I went researching what was out there and finally decided on the Pump Ease brand shown below.

Besides feeling a bit Madonna like with objects protruding from my breasts...

this is now my absolute favorite pumping accessory! And yes, I got it in the red polka dot version for a little cheer.

The only thing I'm really struggling with in exclusively pumping is how to handle it while I'm out and about. For now I've been pumping immediately before I leave and planning to get home within a reasonable time. I carry a hand-pump with me for an emergency but I've yet to use it. Mainly I'm still hesitating because it's not like I can just hook up the paraphernalia and throw a breast cover or blanket over me. The fact that I live in Alaska and it's already winter here kicks out my SUV as an option. So. . . I'm not so sure about that aspect.

If you are looking for information about exclusively pumping, I found some good info at these websites:

http://www.mother-2-mother.com/exclusivepumping.htm

http://thelactivist.blogspot.com/2007/03/exclusively-pumping-good-advice-is-hard.html

I hope all is well out in bloggy land!!!

xoxo

another day

2010-11-29T00:30:00.000-09:00

It's technically a few minutes after midnight (for my 30 days 30 posts) but I guess as a sick mamma I get a pass because I was busy feeding, changing and soothing my little man for the last hour! Oh how I love him!

The good news from today is that catching the mastitis symptoms of chills and fever early REALLY helps. When we left yesterday to go shopping in Anchorage, I felt fine except for a slight ache in the right ta-ta. When we were hitting our final stop, I went from okay to chills within about an hour. By this time I had on a sweatshirt, fleece, my hubby's jacket, gloves, scarf, and hat. My teeth were still chattering! We were right by the hospital on base so we decided to just head on over.

Let me say that I really looooove antibiotics and ibuprofen to break my fever. I have three alarms on my phones going off at different intervals to keep me on schedule for the pills and pumping. Today I slept a ton but generally feel a ton better than my last round of mastitis. Apparently, I'm prone to it and just need to deal. We're thinking it's because I have dense breast tissue. Who knows?!

Thankfully I can look at this sweet little face and keep going...

xoxo

2010-11-27T22:50:00.002-09:00

Mastitis.

Again.

Seriously universe?

xoxo

socially acceptable

2010-11-26T21:12:00.000-09:00

Today is the first day that it is socially acceptable to be excited for Christmas. So today I give you a big WOOHOO as the tree is now up!

Since my side of the family didn't grow up celebrating Christmas, it still seems like a novelty to me to have the cheery decorations strewn about the house. For my parents, it's still a relatively new thing to help me decorate the day after Thanksgiving. So, I think it's kind of special. Grin.

I absolutely abhor shopping with herds of people so on Black Friday I happily hide in my house while others wait in the freezing cold. Have at it people! Enjoy those bargains. I'm not really sure how much we are buying for Christmas this year. Last year we kept it really low key as we were in between IVFs 2 and 3. This year will probably be the same with some small things for each of us. Even with baby E, I don't want to clutter the house up with a billion things he won't use. So we'll get a few first Christmas toys and just celebrate being with him.

My ta-tas are now tingling so I'm off to pump...moo. Christmas is coming!

xoxo

What a day...

2010-11-25T16:45:00.000-09:00

I woke up this morning to fresh snow coating the muddy slush from the last few days. It was the perfect way to start the day.

(you can see my sister in the bottom left corner)

Yesterday my mom and I busted out all of the prep work for the meal today which gave us a lot of time today to relax and piddle around. It also allowed time for the requisite heated family discussion which sent me into my bathroom to take a shower to escape. Across the street we watched through the window as the neighbor kids build five snowmen. Patriots football was watched. Champagne was poured. Cooking commenced and massive amounts of food were eaten. All in all it was a great day.

More than anything, today I am just thankful. This time last year I was planning our last chance IVF. After two failed rounds in September and October, I wasn't very hopeful. I was still processing how the donor cycle would work and how the logistics would work with Fairyeggs. This year? This year I sit in my warm toasty house with the most beautiful boy. I am incredibly thankful that he is in my life. I'm surrounded by family who loves us enough to travel to the wilderness to see us. My husband and I love (and usually like) each other. My dog still warms my bed and makes me laugh. Life is pretty darn good.

Happy Thanksgiving.

xoxo

Moooooom!

2010-11-24T22:05:00.001-09:00

Com'on mama, I want boobie juice! No writing blogs about me! Just post another adorable pic. Peace out!

xoxo